I absolutely hate being touched. I just feel angry, and annoyed and in full panic mode every time someone touches me.
Maybe something traumatic happened to me while I was still in my mother’s womb, because I was born this way. It’s my mother’s favorite story to tell. ‘We were so happy to have a little baby,’ she’d begin, ‘we’d want to pick her up and just hold her all the time. But, she would fuss and fidget until we put her down. As she got older, she would actually put up her elbows at us and push our hands away. It was so sad. We would just stand over her cot looking down at her, unable to hold her’ she’d finish.
When I meet a new person who talks with their hands and insists on touching me every five seconds- for a high five or pat on the shoulder- I just want to die. I told a friend of mine a few years ago, ‘don’t touch me, I really hate it. And it’s not you, its me.’ I think he eventually got it. But at the time, it was really awkward.
How do I operate around my children you ask? Long sufferingly (yes, I know that this isn’t a real word) is how. My day looks something like this.
5:00: Wake up to feed Keyo (lots of touching involved)
Get back into bed after that, Martin turns over and touches me lovingly (someone just kill me now). His hand lingers. I move a little. He adjusts his hand so that he is now holding me. I want to cry. I fall asleep fidgeting this way and that.
6:30: Kendi wakes up. I get up and greet her good morning. A kiss and a hug usually comes at this time (I want my child to feel love, duh, I’m not a monster)
She eats and I get her ready for school. She holds onto me as she takes off her pajamas and puts on her school clothes. She must be touching me with some part of her body at all times.
7:30: Martin and Keyo usually wake up at the same time. No one is sure who wakes up who. Kisses and hugs are abounding all around. Martin wants to do a dance in the middle of the room. There’s a song in his head. Also, he’s very touchy feely (yes, God has a sense of humor).
8:00: I’m feeding Keyo, as I’m getting hugged and kissed by Kendi and Martin, as they head out.
Between 8:00 and 3:00, it’s just Keyo and I and I can control how much touching goes on (seriously, it’s a real thing, I’m not making this thing up)
3:00: I pick up Kendi from school and this is where the real touching begins. Every time she needs to catch my attention, the ‘mama’ must be accompanied by a touch to my hip, leg, shoulder, face, generally everywhere.
6:00: Martin comes home and I am in deep trouble. This man wants to cuddle in front of the TV. Kendi and I have actual ‘cuddle time’ (that I invented because I don’t want her to think I hate her) for about 15 minutes, so I’m just exhausted by the time children are in bed at 7:00
Most nights, I stay awake after everyone has gone to bed so that I can feel like a human being. No one touching me, just me.
And then Ninja, our cat, climbs onto my lap. I just get up and go to bed!